onto me

leaves, fall.
go. a nostalgic fall,
onto me.
beauty, it is
what i have come to
believe.

stars, sing.
scream your melancholy shine
shine onto me.
provided by the sky
when day makes its move
to leave.

wind, breath.
breath your heavy sigh
down my spine,
onto me.
you are mother earth's
hidden, fearful whine.
complain to me.

and i will listen
to your fall, your voice,
your breath.
whilst i listen
i'll embrace onto me
your heaving,
sunken chest.

yes,
on your external beauty,
resides this shine,
exsisting to only calm these
hearts and sullen
times.
as your beauty
internal
proves no innocent theft,
there remains the most beautiful,
life's griefs and
life's death.

pour your beauty
onto me.

pikchaasss (was i really this girly???)

damn....

*sigh


there aren't words that would be sufficient enough......
just. you.
yea. that's it.
you. alaska.

the feeling of water

lets go here.

this week has been lovely. other than the ocassional boring hour and 45 minutes, i have been in a really good mood these past few days. and its just going to get better!

i got the misfits concert on friday then a party on saturday! ish gonna be great.

i cant wait till christmas break. im counting down the days.

did you know...

that when a person appears in your dreams it means THEY want to see you?
and this whole time i thought it was the other way around....
well it still is.

fire + fire =

EXPLOSION.

hm.

maybe later we could go up to the moon,
or sail among the stars before the night is through.
and when morning comes we will see the sun is not so far,
and we cant get much closer to bliss from where we are.
we will go,
to a place only lovers go,
to a spot that we've never known,
to the top of the clouds we are
floating away.

its an elly thing...

when there are things on my mind, that i cant stop thinking about, i have this way of dealing with it. whenever there are things that i am constantly wanting to say to someone, but at the same time dont want to say, i do this thing....
you know that feeling when you've built up all this anxiety and emotion over a certain subject and you want nothing more than to be able to talk to someone about it?.....but then again you could never imagine yourself mentioning a damn thing on your mind because you know it wouldnt do any good.
thats how i've been.
and i havent been able to focus on anything lately.
when this happens, i write a letter.
i write to this person i want to talk to, telling them everything that is on my mind. things that i would never tell them.
it has a heading, its about a page and a half long, or however long necassary, and i sign it at the end.

but i never send it to them.
i never give the person the letter.
thats the best part.
you can spill out everything, emptying it from your mind, in hopes that it wont be the only thing you think about for 2 straight weeks.
i've done this a couple times and it really helps.
i always feel relieved after.
but i kinda lost one of the letters i wrote, and im sorta freaking out.

i think its time to write another one because this is getting ridiculous.

just.get.out.of.my.head.

so much i need to say, so much i want to say, but never do. i just dont know how to say things to make other people understand exactly what im trying to tell them. its frustrating.

just write.


before, i used to just spill everything out and not think about things before i said them.
some of the worst mistakes i've made has dealt with letting people know how i really feel.
its not fun. and never turns out the way i want it to.

i'll just keep writing.
and daydreaming.

i spend 80 % of my day daydreaming

so yea. i've realized that my mind trails off, alot. not in the ADD way, but i am constantly thinking of other things, all the time. im a daydreamer.

and i dont want to sound like a 14 year old boy, but lately i've been feeling like a 14 year old boy. and hahaha im not even scared to talk about...or blog about...or whatever it is im doing.
but i cant stop thinking about sex. blunt right?
well, its true! you know that song "birthday sex" by jeremih? i love it :)
im just...i dont know, but i cant stop thinking about it. i've just been having these urges....cravings i guess you could call them. i cant believe im blogging this, but i dont even care. its not like i want to bone every person i see but....im a daydreamer.

today:
-woke up pissed off
-spent the whole day pretending not to be pissed off
-had a bad day
-dropped everything
-like, i think i dropped my papers, pencils, water bottle, bookbag, atleast ten times today
-i just didnt care about anything today
-didnt want to go to school
-didnt want to go to gsa
-just wanted to sleep all day
-glad to be home

maybe its because i only got 3 hours of sleep last night....

empty

there's no way out, the only way out is to give in.
when there's no way out, the only way out is to give in.
how
i
love
to
give in.

please speak slowly, my heart is learning

"go.
go back to where you are meant to be. i dont want to make you go back to the place where there is no me. its better, i swear its better. am i troubling? i've found the truth. tease the situation, and pull my heart back into you. im swolen, i swear im swolen. the realization of everything falling towards wrong cant stop this want of you in my arms. im broken, i swear im broken. now go. go before i shatter as i fall for you."

-excerpt from a thing i cant remember the name of.

ISS DEEP YO.

she gets emotional when she listens to this

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying

Call

Break

It

Off


Call

Break

My

Own heart


Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know

I won't be sad but in case I go there every day to make myself feel bad

There's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do


I won't be out long
But I still think it better if you take your time coming over here
I think that's for the best

Call

Break

It

Off


Call

Break

My

Own heart

im not gender queer, im not. im elly.

i needed this. we both did.
we both have been holding so much in since my coming out. its about time we both got to understand where each side was coming from. but it was so frustrating!
everytime i tried to explain myself she kept interjecting with some more stereotypical bull shit. and when she kept asking me how far i was 'going to go with dressing like a boy" thing, it was like me asking her how far she is going to take "dressing like a girl" thing. THEN, she goes to the whole,"god made you a girl" crap. that really pissed me off. so what? just because i was born a girl doesnt mean i have to act and dress like the 1930's, dimeaning, skirt-wearing, thing.
i just had to get her to understand that i dress the way i do because i like it. if i liked girl clothes, i WOULD WEAR THEM.
plain and simple. i dont like it. im sorry. thats just not me.
and THENNNNNNN she brings up how i have been turning into a freak since going into GSA.
what.the.fuck.
does she really think that gsa is what is turning me into some creature that she doesnt recognize as her daughter?
that was probably the worst of it all. being called a freak by your own mom.
i just had to ignore that and remind myself that she was just as pissed as me. even though i couldnt really understand WHY me owning a couple things from the boys department got her to act the way she was...
anyway, she said that the only reason she was doing this was because she was trying to understand. then i would just yell back that she is a close-minded, stereotyping, judgmental person who doesn't care about people's feelings.
and she told me she never wants to go shopping with me again. (i wasnt about to protest against that).
she kept asking me what my style was, and i didnt see why that even mattered. i just kept telling her that i was me. elly. her daughter. and that i have my own style. then the butch, dyke, manly comments got thrown at me.
then i tried asking why it even matters, the way i dress. and i kept saying that im elly and it isnt as big of a deal as she is making it. (usually people are telling ME this). and when i said that i am the same little elly that she has known her whole life, she got to even more loud mode. she said i am nothing like her 3 and 4 year old elly. that i was so different. besides the obvious differences, like the physicality part, i AM ELLY. that doesnt matter to her though. she has this set picture of who she wants me to be and i finally told her that i am NOT that person. and that im not going to be. and she said she will just have to learn to accept it. thats all i needed to hear.

god, me and my mom have never yelled at each other like that before.
it felt so fucking good to be honest.

tempo

my heart beats in rhythm
with your breath.
breaking the confines you've built
up for me to test

our eyes expands with our chest.

just take this hand and
spill those secrets you've foretold.
yes, i want it to be my hand you hold.

these thoughts making this young body old.

dont move those eyes
not yet to the notion of regret
fighting back emotions we've found best.
not ready

my collapsed chest falls out of rhythm with
your broken breath.

ish ma birfdeh

so it might just be me and the fam tonight. both of my friends.......my best friends, might not be able to come. great.
i wonder if any other teenager has spent their sixteenth birthday playing boardgames with their crazy family....

what was that about?

so .....that just happened.
am i really that much of a threat to you?
do you really have to call me during break, out of no where, question me, and get all worked up?
just take a breather.
you will be okay.
im not here to make you miserable, and i dont need you calculating my every move, making sure i dont take something from you.
we are all friends here. im not out to get you.
you asked me something, i was honest with you. and i guess i can understand why you feel the way you do, but stop wasting your time worrying.
you doing this is just going to make it awkward...again.
im done with the awkwardness.

oh yea and that picture to the right, that kinda made my day :)

you go, kid.

so i recently saw this video of a ten year old who refuses to say the pledge of allegiance in school because he feels that it doesnt live up to what it states. he said that when he thought about the last line, "with liberty and justice for all", that there really wasnt LIBERTY AND JUSTICE for all. he said that he wont pledge allegiance until gays and lesbians have the right to marry. i love this kid. here's the video:

99

1. Relationship Status?
single.

2. Nickname(s)?
elly, ellz, andy, LA, tier the queer, asian

3. Zodiac sign?
sag

4. Male or female?
female

5. Elementary School.
glenwood, poplar halls, birdneck, brookwood

6. Middle School?
corporate landing.

7. High School?
gsa/OL

8. Hair color?
i dont have hair...

9. Long or Short?
its soo long.

10. Loud or Quiet music?
loud music thats quiet

11. Sweats or Jeans?
neither, dress!

12. Phone or Camera?
a camera phone :)

13. Health freak?
just freak.

14. In a Relationship or Single?
married.

16. Eat or Drink?
yes i do.

17. Tattoo?
not yet

18. Pepsi or Coke?
sweet tea, please

19. Been in an airplane?
i am an airplane

20. Been in a relationship?
happily divorced

21. Been in a car accident?
mhm

22. Been in a fist fight?
against the sister, i won.

23. First piercing?
thigh.

24. First best friend?
her name was cameron, she stole my snackpack.....
bitch.

25. First award?
best student, kindygarden

28. First big journey?
ohhhhhhh caannaaadddaaaa

29. Last person you talked to in person today?
ryan steely

30. Last person you texted?
vanessa

31. Last person you watched a movie with?
cousin and mom and aunt

32. Last food you ate?
pie

33. Last movie you watched?
it was porn.

34. Last song you listened to?
penis

35. Last thing you bought?
a yacht

36. Last person you hugged?
jason

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

37. Food?
tooo manny to choose from

38. Drink?
MANGO FUCKING MILKSHAKE

39. Clothing?
jeans

40. Flower?
daisy

41. Number?
0

42. Color(s)?
clear

43. Movie(s)?
again, too many to choose from

44. Subjects?
PE

X IF YES:
46. [x] celebrated Halloween
48. [x]UNLIMITED minutes and/or texts on your cell phone
49. [X] someone question my sexual orientation
51. [XXXX] got pregnant
52. [XXXXXXXXXXX] had an abortion
53. [] did something you regret
54. [X] broke a promise
55. [X] hid a secret
56. [X] pretended to be happy when not
57. [x]met someone who changed your life
58. [] pretended to be sick
59. [x] left the country
60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
61. [X] cried over something silly
62. [X] ran a mile
63. [x] went to the beach with my best friend
64. [x]got into an argument with your friends
65. []hated someone
66. [x] have ever stayed single a whole year

CURRENTLY:
67. Eating?
vag.

68. Drinking?
vagina.

69. Listening to?
the voices in my head

71. Plans for today?
sleeep

73. Want kids?
i want your kids

74. Want to get married?
prenuptial! get 'em kids!

75. Careers in mind
be awesome

IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
77. Shorter or taller?
i dont care

78. Eye color?
dont care

79. Dark hair or light?
still dont care

81. Hook-up or relationship?
this is stupid

82. Looks or personality?
i am wasting energy even answering this

HAVE YOU EVER
83. Lost glasses/ contacts?
nope

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense?
no

86. Killed somebody?
nuh uh

88. Been arrested?
hahahahahahaha.

no.

89. Cried when someone died?
yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
90. Yourself?
mhm

91. Miracles?
eh.

92. Love at first sight?
yes and no.

93. Easter bunny?
i AM the easterbunny

94. Santa Claus?
thas my boo

95. Sex on the first date?
no thank you

96. Kiss on the first date?
i dont need to be on a date to kiss someone.

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?
you

98. Is there something you would like to say to someone?
yes, actually

99. whats your full name?
elanormimiandrearosariogonzaleztier.

just praying to a god i dont believe in

so errthang has been better, i guess. i have been on a happy streak lately.

im turning 16.
yay.
i made a list of things that i think would be awesome to do on my birthday, that im not going to do:
skydiving
snowboarding
sailing
a concert in richmond
trip to cali
trip to anywhere
camping on the beach
camping in general
ice skating
paintball
sleeping.

the ocean

When you wake, what is it that you think of most?
When your bed is empty, do you really sleep alone?
If I imagine you, body next to another.

reliefnexttome/callitoff/knifegoingin/hopaplane

I miss you now,
I guess like I should have missed you then.
My body moves
Like curtains waving in and out of wind

Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at


I feel the knife going in,
I'm feeling anxious.
Not enough to kill me, I thought it'd happen fast.
But I'm feeling it now and I feel anxious.
Sleeping inches from me, I let it pass.

All I need to hear is that you're not mine
I'm moving east then, somewhere far away
from the sight of my hands, the sight of me not moving

refer to the previous post

so im pretty sure someone just made that up.
but in other news....

i got my BUZZZ back!...my cello buzz, not the other kind.
hellz yea!
i havent felt like this in quite some time.

i never really lost the love or interest in it, but for the past few months it just wasnt the same to me. i never wanted to practice, i was basically forcing myself to, and i was always exciting to get out of rehearsals, where as i used to LOVE going to them, and the buzz just wasnt there.

BUT ITS BACK DAMMIT.

and now i know that all i need to focus on is that. i dont know what happened but i feel like i got a wake up call. a much needed one at that.

TODAYS HOROSCOPE:

SAGITTARIUS - THE ONE
(11/22-12/21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying! Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor. Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost

she checks out mozart while she does taibo

GROUND BREAKING NEWS:
elly feels a little funny.
well, more like a little lonely. but thats a bad word, i dont want to use that word. that doesnt define what im trying to get across.
its bye bye to the focused, independent, blah, elly AND HELLO to the pathetic, needy, girl seeking, loser, unfocused, love-deprived, elly. whoooooo.
she should be great fun. i wonder how long she'll be around.....
hopefully not long. because i dont like feeling like i NEED to be with someone. i have never felt like this. why is it starting now?!

damn you, raging teenage hormones and emotions. damn you to hell.
i dont NEED to be with someone. i just.......






want to.

when you are in love

your brain gives off the hormone "dopamine" which is also given off when using cocaine.
thats why when you are "in love" you can never stop thinking about that person when you dont have them with you, and you feel slightly addicted to them....like a drug. and when they are with you, you are so fucking happy and dont care about the world almost like........a high.
i thought that was really interesting.
thank you doctor oz.

mhm.itstrue.

whatisthisfeeling?
andwhywontitgoaway?
ishouldnt.
icant.
butitshere.
itsalwaysbeenhere.
imwaitingforittogoaway.
butitwont.
damnit.
ineedtodohomework.

GAH

idontknowwhattowrite.
so here:

slow dancing in a burning room

possible new obsession :)

invictus

out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquered soul

in the fell clutch of circumstance
i have not winced or cried aloud,
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed

beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find me unafraid

it matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
i am the master of my fate,
i am the captain of my soul


-william ernest henley

realization

i love the L word.

and i really hate school.
no matter my grades, or the friends, its always the last place i want to be.
if running away didnt mean being without a home, living out of trashcans, and sleeping on the street, i would run away to new york.
or california.
im sick of being a teenager, and dealing with them.

and im sick of whining.
shut up elly. just stop thinking.

i like:

falling asleep out side.
preferably under the stars.
especially in sand.
oh, and waking unafraid.

there is never a night i could sleep myself till day

my heart is all but slowing down.
and i cant decipher these omniscient, haunting sounds.
of what i hear and what i desire.

i cant
____fight this
___________fire of what
________________is slowly dying.


my days and nights blend into one.
mixing together what isnt finished,
and what needs to be done.
goodnight.


so i force myself to look to tomorrow.
away from your eyes.
struggle to figure out the cure for this
sorrow.
away from the lies.

i lay down, never wanting to get up again.
a forbearing fight.
if i try hard enough, i can finally get under your skin.
goodnight.

we will run

turn around to face the city.
its old, cold and bitterly waiting.
the sky cracks open and
spills angel tears
we will run, and escape
all of these familiar fears.

if you take my hand,
i can take you far.
away from this city,
engraved with broken hearts.
waist no time on dead-end miracles,
just me and you running,
breaking down barriers.

we will run together
passing voids between bodies
we will run forever
never letting the pavement
meet our knees.
this concrete jungle we
live, and take in
just brings back memories
moments leaking of sin.

but we dont stay.
no, we run to a new place.
no matter how long it takes
to escape this city's sun,
we wont look back,
but we will run.

what isnt mine

when i lie in bed next to you,
there are moments where i lose.
and i feel your soul breath,
feel you that close to me.
and this strength that i've built so tall
comes crumbling down, to its predicted fall
and cliche's are taken in place
of words that i can't think to say.

so i just kiss you.
kiss you while you sleep,
while you're lost far in a dream.
your eyes are closed,
and i can only hope your dreaming of me.

i kiss you.
on that soft, tepid cheek.
only meant for moments like these.
and everything in our world is gone,
save for your body here in my arms.
can you feel me?

rays pour through the window,
covering us from things unknown
and im dazed at the way you glow.
not wanting you to wake,
i watch you sleep away each minute in this day

and i touch you.
gently run my finger down your skin
feeling every emotion you've held within.
i touch you.
creating a shock at my fingertips
not taking my eyes off those tempting lips.
i dont want anyone else, but you.

and i watch you.
watch the way your body inhales
all the stories your mind must intale
i want to know it all.

and as i watch you there next to me,
i wonder if i could make you not leave.
i wonder the possibilities for your eyes to see
that i'll want you more than you could
ever want me.

back in your head

build a wall of books between us in our bed.
repeat, repeat the words i know we both said.
relax into the need, we get so comfortable.
remember when i was so strange and likable?
i just want back in your head.
i just want back in your head.

i want to swim away but dont know how

i feel like going to the beach and jumping in the water.
clothes and all.
i really just want to float on the water
and drift away.
by myself. driffftttttt.

i feel like if i do this, i'll come out of the water feeling refreshed and different. more calm and more aware.

i feel like my life is being lived, but im watching it all happen from the distance. like im not controlling anything going on around, it all just happens. im living in a blur. im not sad or anything, i just dont feel right. something just gives me the notion that everything isnt clicked into place like it should be. almost like everything in my life can change for the worse at any moment. and i guess thats true. we cant control the future, we can only control the path. but i guess thats what scares me the most. the future. i just want so badly for my life to go in the direction i have set myself in, that it has become a great fear of mine that ill screw it all up.

yea. drifting sounds good right about now.

clever meals

im stripped and vital and i see rules that almost fit.
and, if i voice my opinion, will you stay and sit?
and as i stand here, screaming in despair,
i say: yes, this is my life, and yes, you should care.
this song is my anthem, and it makes up my ideals.
and who i am has benefited from all my cleverly planned meals.
hardly happy at all, and im ready to take the fall.
we pay for the stupid things we've done where i come from.
can you sit through this, or is it gonna be too deep?
will you ever use common sense?
i hear it comes pretty cheap.
and if i speak more clearly,
if i make more sense,
will you shut your mouth?
you wont come across so dense.
close your eyes, and then you free your mind.
you're free to fly.

-t&s

fahreetale

so there is this girl.
her name is elly.
and she doesnt sleep.
instead, she closes her eyes,
and imagines.
her mind never stops.
nor do her thoughts.
she waits.
everyday.
and at night,
she waits with her eyes closed.
imagining.
imagining the moment.
the moment she has always waited for.
but she never falls asleep.
just waits.
anxiously.
impatiently.
waits for someone to imagine.
next to her.
with her.

someone, anyone, please steal me

ok i know there is an epic total of 5 people that even follow me but can someone save me, AND answer my SOS????




i FUCKING HATE MY HOUSEEEEEEEEEEEE!
HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHTEHATE.



its not like i have abusive, drunken parents, but dear god.
i dont even like the word hate, but i also dont like being stuck home with people who just want to fucking antagonize, annoy, yell, and piss me off for no reason.
what in the HELLLLL did i do to any of you?
that what i want to know.
i try so damn hard to just be the perfect child, and when i do ONE damn thing that isnt "perfect" all hell breaks lose.
ok im so fuckin sorry i left a paper bag in jozy's car, but dont call me a disorganized slob who trashes everything.

it was a mistake, and i threw it away damnit!

i dont want to become one of those teenagers who just sucludes themself from their family, but frankily i want nothing to do with any of you. and i bet its the other way around.
lets all just find reasons to get madd at the gay, freak in the house.whoo.
and mom, you need to chill with the name calling.
just because i dont want to wear a dress (and never have) it doesnt mean you have the right to call your daughter a butchy dyke. and when you say things like "i dont know who would want to ever date you" or "your a selfish little bitch" or "you are discusting!" IT HURTS. i shouldnt let it get to me, but it fucking hurts. so much.
dad, jason, the man who i am forced to respect, stop with the assuming. when one thing gets out of place in the house dont come after me accusing me of being the one who messes up everything. half the time, it was your fault in the first place.
and jozy.....i dont even want to waste my time on you. when you learn to look at me as your sister and not some sinner you live with, i'll think about gaining some respect for you.

god i sound like a moody bitch right now. but theres no one i can confide in. it might as well be a blog.

someday

might paint something, i might want to hang here someday. might write something i might want to say to you someday. might do something i'd be proud of someday. mark my words, i might be something someday. a class act president you are my boss, i am confident in your eyes. so speak up, this is your last chance my friend, roll the windows down and take me in. reach out say what you're really about. are you coming here or not, are you coming out?
i dont want to know that you dont want me. i dont want to know what you do without me. i dont want to know what i'll be without you, i dont wanna know.

-tegan quinn

beepbop

today was good.
i basically came out to my p.e class.
well, the girls atleast.
you would think they would have figured it out by now, but whatever.
they know now, and ALOT of them are talking to me....ALOT more than before. wwiieerrdd.
and the second i see a girl (a very attractive one) and want to go up to her to say hello, i find out she is straight, has a boyfriend, isnt liked by much of anyone, and has fake hair.
that pissed me off.
i dont know why, but i got really mad.
WHY???????????
i really dont understand myself, let alone other people.
ugh. i need to not worry about that kinda stuff.
elly needs to think about school (boff a 'em) and losing weight.
and i need to chill. i have found myself actin ridic and not like myself.
oh savannah, it feels as though allllllll of our conversations are through text. im not diggin it chika. we needs ta fix that. im talkin to you, NOW YOU TALK TO ME.
(we can do it )






tegan and sara, SAINTHOOD:
my vice. my rock. thank the world for your lyircs, synth, and amazingly, uniquely, beautiful voices.

sentimental

they yell speak up.
i fill these pages like i fill those spaces with my lies.
they yell step down, a crowd's not worth this and love's
not worthless, you've got to step up stranger.

over it.

period.

i just want to be your friend.

you remember when you were telling me how it was sooooooo difficult for you to be his friend, but you really wanted to? thats how i feel.

and im happy for you.really.

can we..

just go


back to the


way we used


to be?

SUSPICION

i could see why you feel it.
it is a little weird how me and him are on perfectly good terms.
but it was the situation.
i guess that i felt that it was my job to hate the ex-boy friend, that by default i had disliked him.
but when all you hear is bad things about that person, when all your surrounded with is legit reasons on why not to like someone, you're going to find your self not liking that person.
dont get me wrong, i still dont like the fact that he did do things that hurt you.
but we talked.
it was brief, but i guess we both got to understand each others side. i have always looked at him as a friend and i really like him as a person. and now that i really have no reason to NOT like him, im not going to watse my time with having enemies. i cant stand that feeling of resentment, so im not going to deal with.
i've decided to just push past whatever flaws of a person, of myself, of the situation, to the side and just focus on having a good year.
like i said before, i dont want any regrets. i just want everyone to be happy. and im happy.
believe me, i still wish i was the person that could hug you and hold your hand whenever i damn well pleased, and i guess i still could, but not in the same way.
i dont know why its this hard for me. it was TWO weeks. thats it.
you would think it would be easy for someone to get over someone they were with for only TWO weeks, but its not.
i guess its because i never had that with someone before. i've never spent a night on the beach with somone or stared at the stars, or any of those memorable things we did.
i know you probably have.alot. but i havent.
godddd there is so much more i want to get out, but this as already gotten really long.
so there.
any questions?

- john hiatt

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me



And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darling, from a whisper start
And have a little faith in me
And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch you, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me



Cause I've been loving you, for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us, there is no end
And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
And your love, gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me

All you gotta do for me girl
Is have a little faith in me

thingy #2

whooooooo. here ya go world:




destined for a soul, drive me out of town.
let all awareness collapse
we are nowhere-bound.
tonight, i promise, we'll run empty streets
yelling banter till dawn
head back to the place where lovers meet.
ignore that exhaustion spreading through your veins,
our minds filled with lyrics,
to keep us from going insane.
can you hear the stars, and the words they whisper?
telling to leave those
memories of the first time you kissed her.
the leaves fall, dragging us right along.
our hidden fears leak,
force our thoughts into song.
this night is never ending,
yes, we can make this last, together.
as you tell me a secret and the meaning of
forever.

ramblerambleonandon

I CANT STOP WRITING.




thingy #1:





this is where it all begins,
in this place where i can never win
drowning helplessly in these forbidden thoughts,
trapped in a place of constant loss.
tell this story to other helpless ones
of my learnings in front of love's loaded guns
and while they listen, watch their eyes
they'll fill with angst from those dead autumn nights.
remember the way i looked at you
and the way it felt to watch the water move.
feel a pain while exploring this heart,
replaying the day we fell apart.
i can still touch you,
but feel the same.
i can still look at you,
and still not know what to say.
but this is where it starts
to end,
where i'll learn to not follow
an awful trend.

THANKS CODY

the second time around

IS fan-FUCKING-tastic.
but i did it to myself.




note to self: dont let yourself fall for people. especially when they just got out of a long ass relationship. dont be there for people who feel "lonely", it'll just lead to things that aren't supposed to happen. two girls. two long ass (yet ended) relationships that have come up to bite me in the ass. thats enough for me. im done.

IM PATHETIC

writewritewritewrite.
about you.about us. about SHIT that i cant control.







i feel fucking useless.









so i was going to give you this flower.it was white. it was beautiful.and reminded me of you.
i picked it this morning. i woke up at 5:30 am. went outside, it was really dark out. i couldnt see much. walked around my street till i found a flower bush, and i adbucted that damn flower from its bush. i was so excited to give it to you later in the afternoon. hoping that it would make you feel a tiny bit better. hoping you would realize that i would sneak out of my house in the weeeee hours of the morning to pick flowers for you any day.
but it died. i carried it with me all day around school. and it whithered away, consuming itself. i should've thought it out. i wasnt about to give you a whithered flower.im sorry.
i hate seeing you sad. i hate feeling like i cant make you happy.i want you to not have to worry about anything when you're with me. i dont like knowing that you are stressing out because of me. i just want to be someone that doesn't let you down.







i just wanted to see you smile.

she can watch a sunset on her own

but i want to watch it with her.
i hope she knows she doesnt have
to be alone.
my mind numb on how to make this
skin thicker.

i havent known her for as long as others,
but i hope she gives me the chance to show
how much that she mesmerizes me,
captivated in a way i've never known.

i can sit alone in darkness
for long hours in the night.
forgetting these ascetic feelings,
if i just have her by my side.

i could be in a crowd of thousands,
but still notice those dark eyes shine.
and feel that unbelievable feeling
that she knows she gives me inside.

i thought this would get harder,
and this time i was right
i know she can watch a sunset on her own
but i'll be with her to watch it rise.

SELF CONTROL

...is a bitch.
and is working against me.
the more i resist, the more i want to give in.


"help im alive, and my heart is beating like a hammer."

damn, METRIC you couldnt have said it better....

its one of those nights...

currently: 1:30 am

where the concept of sleeping is out the window.

when my mind has gotten to that state that i have tried so hard to keep it from getting to.

where my eyes ache from being open all day, but cant conjure up the want of rest.

where each minute drags out, overlapping the one coming next.

when all my emotions have gone blank.

it really is one of those nights, 

that has me wanting nothing but to waste time, listening to tegan and sara.

thats got me considering things i've never considered.

that'll have me craving alcohol's familiar bitter sweetness that i want to believe will fix me.

where the liquor cabinet doesn't seem so far away.

and all i can think about is not wanting to think.

letters from the sky/have a little faith in me/the man who cant be moved

"going back to the corner where i first saw you,
gonna camp in my sleeping bag, im not gonna move.
got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,
saying 'if you see this girl, can you tell her where i am?'"





what to say what to say what o say what to say what to say what to say what to say what to say. what to say? what to say...

currently listening to one of my favorite songs EVER. and im feelin like an emo kid.
FUCK.IM A HAPPY PERSON DAMN IT. i promise i am.....

i have to be.

finished watching my movie. fell asleep through almost the whole thing. did some trig homework. then some more trig homework. then drank some tea. walked around my house aimlessly. almost enjoying the complete emptiness and silence surrounding me. almost not wanting the "alone" factor to ever leave me. almost.

befousfobaefoaubao8dbo0avnvboswudzkaiuwqiwuoquuwrvvbbfbafiafvaivdiGIWUOROFCNZMA {what's going on in my head}

shitty shitty bang bang

today was not a good day.
gabby is one strong chica.
savannah makes everything better.
my house hates me.
im getting more and more sick each day.
im spending friday night alone.
ill be entertaining myself with homework, more homework, and watching FINDING NEVERLAND.
that is my favorite movie.
i miss cody.
but i keep smiling.
cant waist time complaining.
good night moon.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"it is not what name others call you that matters, but what name you respond to that truely determines who you are."

-Swahili saying


saw this today in class. its a good reminder.

bees, trees, and those god awful weak knees

this thing we've got going....i like it.
i know that its probably going to get harder, but im going to try my best to not worry. not yet. not while im too busy enjoying every second of it.

i'll be honest, if i dont see you at least once a day, my whole week would be unbalanced.

even so, if i did see you that day, but didnt have atleast 5 mins. ALONE with you, all i would think about is finding you. holding you, and those eyes.....

i cant get enough of you. period.

and all those times in your past where you felt as though you needed to change for someone, where you couldnt be every ounce of yourself, just for that other person's satisfaction....you dont have to think twice about that with me. i like you for every bit that you're made of, every crazy habit, your fearless-ness, your spirit, your loudness, your nervousness. i cant get enough.

just be you. its you and your beautifully, disorganized antics that has entrapped me, that has taken over my head, and my heart. dont ever change. not for me. not for anyone.


yours,
andy

this night feels empty, kinda like that bottel in your clenched fist.

slight insomniac.
fight to bring my thoughts back.

there. ready.

i have this feeling that my life isn't going to turn out the way i want it to. maybe its my fear of the future, the fear that i dont have one. but, this is something i can control. something i cant be afraid of.

wow. first blog, and im already getting emotional...
this should be great fun :)