day 4/5

so i just woke up not too long ago and nothing has really happened yet. there isnt much to write about...but whatever.
weneedtoskypemoreoften.
i cannot wait to see you again.
i cannot stop thinking about holding and kissing you again.
we should skype tonight! well, i dont want to make you guys pay for it....
hm, lobby?
thats free right?!
yea lets do it :)

day 3/5

these are just...really, not exciting.
got woken up today at 8:30 by little kids screaming outside my window.
had some chocolate and left-overs for breakfast. got out of my pajamas and into my snowboarding pants around 10:30 because it snowed today, you know that. it was really fun going outside. wrestled a little with soda, and beat up jozy :)
then came back inside and took a shower. got out of the shower and put my pajamas back on. did some laundry, now im on here. eating more smores, doing this. about to go watch some L word. havent done that in awhile..... you have your audition in exactly 2 hours and 20 mins. i cant wait to here how it went! you are going to be awesome.
good luck, babe :)

wish you were here.

day 2/5

i would tell you everything i did today, but i already did that!
so i guess all i can say is....
my day didnt include you, so it wasnt that great.
i miss you.

day 1/5

woke up, threw some clothes on.
got to school and took the exams.
chem: stumped on a couple, i think i got an A.
haha my teacher sat me right in the front/center of the
room where she had a perfect view of me. is was funny. but its whatever, i
was the 2nd person done on that damn thing!
alg2/trig: easy...eh. whatever.
went to lunch with friends. bought lunch for my sister.
came home around 1 and practiced.
( meanwhile, texting you throughout the day)
tried going on the computer but the bitch wouldnt work.
practiced some more. played allegro apassionato for the 1st time in like....almost a year.
i love that piece, its one of my favs. but my favorite to perform.
then after that i got the computer to work, so here i am!
you got on the train at 4:04pm. at that time i was...packing up my cello.
soooooo yea.

listen to me

i just...i really...well.
yea.
my heart felt like it was...winning the fucking gold at the olmpics for gymnatics.
i literally couldnt breath for a couple seconds. i felt like i didnt have to. there was no need for it. i felt like.......

BARBARA!

stopp chattin' it up with john legend and get your ass over here!

i wish you didnt leave.
i wish i could spend all day with you tomorrow.
i wish you would show up outside my window tonight and id let you in and i could fall asleep with your smell, body, and warmth right next to me.
i wish.

WHAT.

its back.
and i would also like to say:
savannah, you are amazing. ok? ok.
:)

i have e new found hobby

eating nutella threw a straw.

i feel like shit.

and like throwing up.

im not sick. but you know that way you get when something just happened and you're so pissed off and sad at the same time, but you dont know which one you feel more, and you feel like you dont know what the hell to do. AND like you feel so low and pathetic but have to pretend like you have nothing to say, when really all you want to do is pour out everything, but you know that you could very well lose someone who means alot to you. you feel like you dont want to screw this already fucked relationship up. and the only thing you are sure of is that you arent sure of anything. you know that feeling? thats how i feel.

and i wish i could just call you. i need your voice right now.

but i cant. i cant bring myself to pick up the phone because im too scared that ill just start crying all over again. i dont know what to do.

ill just....

and the saddest part is...

out of all of this, out of everything you think about me, every way you perceive me, you really don't know me. and i dont know how to let myself be anything other than what you have come to believe.

hm.

your heart
is a
weapon
the size of
your fist.
keep fighting.
keep loving.

this is almost a little too acurate...

Anything having to do with spiritual pursuits interests you. Some might consider you aloof but you're really not. You're just thinking about how this vast universe was created or even how that puppy you're looking at came to exist. Books interest you to no end because they give you ideas on others' perceptions and you're all about perceptions. You tend to enjoy being alone with your ideas but you also like to have people around in order to discuss your thoughts on a myriad of subjects. That is, as long as they don't intrude on your alone time.

Since you were born, your life has been about the exploration of all things contemplative. You want to know what caused the Big Bang Theory or what happens after we die. You might be accused of being impractical but that just isn't true; you're just thoughtful and can lose yourself in some inner philosophical dialogue. Being alone has never bothered you and never will. You appreciate some good alone time. It gives you the opportunity to ruminate on vast, yet unexplored theory. This attitude doesn't always make for a good love or work life though. Others don't understand that loner attitude.

New adventures in work and love are a big part of your life at the moment and will continue for some time. You look forward to starting new jobs with eagerness and anticipation. Money means more to you right now, not only because it's a must for having what you need, but because it means you've accomplished what you've desired. You might have experienced some small difficulties with health, but such is life, you feel.

You may be unaware that where you live impacts your health, money-making possibilities and your love life - whether you think you chose your residence or not. Country, city and state have great meaning in the manner in which you live your life. Your chosen residence creates strong control issues in your life, as you've probably noticed. And you might have noticed also that others are a little more aggressive in their moods. Because of this you find that you tend to defend your actions and emotions more. Powerful thoughts and actions urge you on towards doing more for yourself and others. Some living around you might even believe that they have the solution to every question - which you know is unreasonable. Their all-knowing attitude weighs on you but you find that you're fully capable of turning their attitude around and creating wealth, health and love, all the things you need.

You're detail oriented and love order. Reality is your basis in life and you can comprehend almost anything. You use the past to make great decisions for your current and future goals. Your right-handed dominance causes you to use the analytical left side of your brain, providing you the ability to make safe choices in life.

You have to work to overcome the idea that you might be the clown of the zodiac because of your jovial nature, but that's far from the truth. You're a philosopher through-and-through because of your talent for taking life, looking it over and using your intelligence to reduce your life experiences in a manner that others understand. Motivational speaking is a great career choice for you because you can help others with your optimistic approach to life and be able to do so without being chained to a desk from nine to five. Ordinarily, you're honesty precedes you but when you get into a tight spot, you might take the easiest option of telling a small fib, not because you feel you've done something wrong but it might be best for others that they not know what truly happened. It's very hard for you to try to keep from showing others your restless nature. You have to really work at keeping your freedom-loving traits well covered especially in your career and love. It's only because others might think that your job or their love for you isn't enough. After overcoming some obstacles in your career, you'll see a change, either in your present work situation or in your chosen field. This change is good but is one that you'll find disconcerting for a while. Gentle challenges in career and love life for the next three years can create some health issues. Try to walk to relieve stress as often as possible.

cross my heart, hope to die, stick a fucking needle in my eye

im happy.
you make me happy.
im happy with you.
im happy with us.
i mean, we can be on the phone not saying a word, and ill have the biggest, most stupid smile on my face. i dont know why! just knowing that its you on the other side of the phone, and its you that i am talking to at 2 in the morning, you that im going to fall asleep on the phone with, it just...makes me smile in complete silence.

among 1000 other things, thats what you do to me.