Just so you're not freaking out, I will be updating my other blog and not this one. Just letting you so don't expect anyhing on here

today

current mood: tired, slightly uptight.
highlight of the day: having mary from the canvani string quartet say "hit your mom!"
worst part: sister.car.yelling at her.
looking forward to: getting SOLs over with, summer
current "want": savannah
current "need": sleep
focus of the week: get everything for juries down SOLID
question of the day: what are you put here for?
quote of the day: "sometimes you cant see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of other." -ellen

100th post

so today was cool. iguess. chemistry i understand whats going on at the moment but im still scared about the test coming up, like always. taking a test on two chapters issssss greaaattt. triggy trig was cool too. learned stuff. then in english we just looked at this power point about the lord of the flies. which we started today. im excited to read it and i was the clicker hahahah. when i was sitting in english, victoria and alexis sat by me and they were talking about a whole bunch of stuff that i had no idea about. and alexis openly said everyone she is inviting to her party. of course i wasnt one of them. not that i blame her. but she was talking about it right next to me and it hurt. i shouldnt care seeing that i didnt invite her to mine, but its really kicking in how we're barely hanging on to even call eachother "friends". so i mean, its ok. im fine with it. what can i do ya know? what can they do? nothing really so we're just going to have to move on. i think thats one of the reasons why im so excited to get this year over with. so that these "friendships" that are slowly deiing, can just die. thats really harsh and sounds alot worse than i mean it, but it would be for the best. we all need to move on. what really sucks is that i promised them i wouldnt be that gsa kid that just drops all their old friends. but that shouldnt be a label. it isnt a label. its just the convieniance and inconvieniance of things and its that fact that being in gsa is so fucking time consuming and its so easy to make friends with people there. its not being that gsa kid, but being a student at gsa that creates this new life. why am i stillllll letting this get to me. i love them. thats why. so much has changed about me, about them, about our lives (well mine) but the past hasnt. and the same time i say that, im saying i want our relationship to just die. well, to sum it all up, im sad, they arent, ill get over it.

quizzyquiz

so. i. am. taking. a. quiz. right. now. rightnow.
and im getting....unfocused, so ill blog. you know savannah, i figured that since you're the only one that reads this, i might as well just tell YOU THINGS.
so today was slow. like the rest of this week. i think this is the slowest week out of this whole year. i just need to stop thinking about school ending. the more i think about it, the slower it goes. no more. buuut now i have to go because sister needs computadora.
story of my life.

you know,

this whole itchy mouth and throat and constant sneazing and runny, watery right eye (ONLY THE RIGHT ONE) is getting really fucking old. and annoying. DAMN YOU SEASONAL ALLERGIES. CURSES TO YOUR MOTHER AND ALL THE LITTLE BACTERIA POLLEN SHITS THAT MOCK ME WHILE GOING DOWN MY NOSTRILS AND THROAT.
just go away please. like now. now would be good. kay thanks.

take my hand, take my whole life too

for i cant help falling in love with you.

vibeyvibeyvibeyvibes.
good day today i guess. good lesson tooo. left in a really good mood. which is unusual. usually i walk out of her house in an "okay" mood, slightly pissed off at myself. buut today was nice. i played welll and had a good talk and NEW MUSIC. god. i love moving forward. its so cheesy but its true.

april16th2010

DAY OF SILENCE.
on this day hundreds of thousands of students take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name calling, bullying, and harrassment in their schools.
even though im fortunate enough to not have to go through this, and deal witht this kind of harrassment, i still want to do my part and support the thousands of kids, teens, and adults that do. so next friday, i will not speak. i will not break. but i will show that i care. and this dilema is not okay.

mhm.

its like those mottoes men carved over the entrance of a castle and died for. it's a challenge in the face of something so vast and so dark, that all the pain on earth comes from that thing you are going to face. i dont know what it is, i dont know why it should be unleashed against you. I know only that it will be. And i know that if you carry your words through to the end, it will be a victory, not just for you, but for something that should win, that moves the world...yet never wins acknowledgment.

12 hours with my girl

too much fun. it should be like that everyday.

alot of things should happen everyday. that involve you. but! not in....4 months. you'll be gone.
its going to be wierd making that transition of you always being around, and hanging out with you all the time. and then....for maybe two years....or more, ill see you maybe 3 times a year? like physically see you. im not trying to be negative, just thinking outloud.

yea today was fun. i loved it. thanks babe.

wow. that was 355 days ago...

Savannah april 12, 2009
hey hows it going!
im the cellist you sat next to when you shadowed at GSA if you dont remember haha.
did you have a good time that day?


Savannah april 13, 2009
oh word word. im in 11th. you?
if you have any questions about GSA just let me know!
having a good break?


Savannah april 14, 2009
there are rumors its going to be out of the country. i've heard germany, vienna, other stuff. but they have been trying to get us out every year and we havent so im not getting my hopes up.
buut. jazz is going ot japan this year so maybe maybe. im currently in philidelphia visiting colleges. i've been to new england conservatory, berklee (AMAZING #1 for me right now) and manhattan school of music. tomorrow, temple school of music! its going to be a long week.


:)

just for saving purposes

If i had those magic eyes, then i could hear those emotionless, broken cries . get this universe to grab me and take me away, then lay this body down on a bed of hearts that have stayed. in this life, i think of beauty. and the hopes of becoming a new me. body heat, just go ahead and engulf what you threat. no longer do i worry of all these unfortunate regrets. and take those wild lips, pressing onto time, arguing the fierceness when pressed hard onto mine. this forever yearning, yearning of dreamt becoming, is slowly leaving this body, these nerves are stunning. Now, if i had those magic eyes, then i could reveal to the cruel world what im feeling inside. finally, take what is left of this mind, and left over strength will lead me to find amusement in life’s crimes.

marchtwentyfourthtwothousandten

she takes the alley back
around this building.
searching to find a part of her
that has always been missing.
out from my window
i can hear her heart
stop.
finally succumbing to the
number of times it has
fallen
apart.
i can feel her breath collapse,
air leaves her body,
as she stumbles to
hide behind her shadow
...haunting.
from somewhere unknown,
something grabs her insides,
pulling once more towards
the source of her cries.
down and out.
out and down.
i cant help but to see
this life on the ground,
struck by its own misery.
my want to save her heart
cant and wont suffice.
for she alone is the soul
that can save her own life.
thus,
i sit in pain and watch
this dream of a girl.
who cant seem to escape
being consumed by this
nightmare of a world.

you da you da best

i appreciate you so much. the fact that you would come to my house at 12 in the morning after a concert just to make sure i was ok, means everything. you barely had a plan, but you came and slept with me anyway. and thennnnnn you have to walk a THREE HOUR walk just to get back to your house in time to sleep before a THREE hour performance later in the afternoon....i mean, come on. who does that? who is crazy enough to even consider that? well, youre not crazy, but one of the most caring people i know. and the fact that you did this for me, makes me feel...well, cared about. im sorry for even making you worry. i cant make up any excuses for what i did, but im sorry that i even put you in that position. you dont deserve that, and i never want to scare you like i did last night again. never again. i cant promise that i wont fuck up in the future, just know that i do promise to never fuck up with my intention to hurt you. i love you babe. and thank you for being there.

sb

elly'ss os smartt. imma sssoooorrrrryyy. whaad my problem?you tell me . telme. cus immmmmmaaaa shitittittititittty. i luv you daddyyyy.

savannah

call me.

christ.

i want this work out, i do. but if something happens...if he EVER makes you cry again. so help me god.

ahha

got locked out tonight. it was nice actually, because it felt soooo good out.. i just layed out and looked at the stars. god im such a...osbvoebvoenv. but what can i say? i enjoyed being locked out, i didnt care. enough.
and i love laying being shirtless. you started this. my love of walking around, laying around, playing around, without a shirt. i guess i could just go completely naked, but eh. i like this for now. being naked is for...other moments.

baby

im crazy. baby you're crazy. baby, we're crazy.

YOU NEVER POST ANYTHING

yea i know. sorry ahha.
so here i am. posting. just for you. because you're the only one that reads this.
prom was amazing with you last night. every part of it was good because i was next to you. the dancing. the talking. the pictures. meeting mr.lucas. all of it. preprom dinner. post prom dinner. before all of that... at your house.
but the dinner stuff was a little.....frustrating. mostly because i knew how you must've been feeling with mr.asshole and all. sorry. but thats my name for him. so yeaaaaa. other than having to deal with his sublimital comments, i had alot of fun.
i honeslty almost cried when that greenday song played. you know, the last one. because i knew that was the only gsa prom i was going to have with you. and that none of them will be as good as that one, because i wont have you. BUT. last night was truely better then i expected it to be. and being with you is better than any relationship could ever be.

turn on:

your new piece. you playing that. its like. hispanic on top of hispanic. what could possibly be better?

ayn rand

-every man creates his meaning
-emphasizing the harmony of the steel skeleton within, as a body reveals the perfection of its bones
-imitators copy imitations
-the eyes were dark, young, living
-no such thing as free will, since man's creative impulses were determined, as all else, by the economic structure of the epoch in which they lived
-they are not to assert their little egos, but to express the soul of their country and the rhythm of their time
-"Vox populi"
-a face one could never remember...gently hopeless
-marriage is old fashioned, an economic device to perpetuate the institution of private property
-he had to choke the knowledge, he had to kill the vision
-the public taste and te public heart are the final criteria of the artist. the genius is the one who knows how to express the general
-a kind of sub-reality, unsubstantial incidents in the path of a substance they could not reach or touch

shit

im so in love with this piece its crazy. its harrrdddd as anything but im determined to get evey part of it down. i feel like it was made for me. i love it. im in love with it. lovelovelove. i want your love.
aghhh. julie0julieo. getting emotional is good sometimes. and much needed for me. every once in awhile its good to get a little pissed off and just tell it like it is. it helps. so now its just time to get better. all around, just get better. im fucking ready.

ready elly? ready.

imsohyperhyperhyperhyperhyper. :)

:)

you were tangible.

im starting to feel it

and. im done. its 1:25 am and im finally finished. godddddd. what took me so long? either way im finished with the thing. do i give it to you now? it kinda sucks...

blahblahblahblahblahblah

i was so wierd today. during school great mood. then i get all quiet and...not happy. on the way to gsa, great mood. get to gsa, not happy. then im fine. then im annoyed. then im kinda sad. then im pissed. then i just wanted to be alone. something would happen to make me smile...talk even....then i would get all gloomy and nostalgic. and no matter how many times you made me laugh, i always sank right back down. got annoyed a little more. then sad. then left. got in the car told my parents about my grades, then shutup. i didnt feel like talking to them. ate dinner, was happy. got back in the car.PISSED. fell asleep on the way home. got home, now attempting to do homework. my contacts are killing me.

now i feel.....

am i sure...

mhm.
i wish i could go with you. that would make it alot easier. just stick me in your pocket and take me with you. please. im sick of high school. and i want to spend everyday with you. please....

i just threw up a little

i was called a granola today.
what does that mean?
english exammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.eh.
eh eh eh.
visited lee anne levin stevahn. one of the best people i know. favorite teacher. it was awesome. we were laughing and talking and just catching up. it was great. jozy was with me and talking to her too. she was telling her about how she's trying to find a prom date and everything. i was so scared that ms.s was going to ask me if i had a guy. i dont know why i was scared. i dont think she would care if i was gay. i just dont know her thoughts on all that. dont want to lose the relationship i guess. god, im always scared of that. losing relationships. then again, im scared of starting them.sooooooo.
then got home. ate shit. well, not shit...but you know, food. yea. then watched some natgeo. about the bonobo monkies. they are my favorite. they communicate through sex.
now i going to go study. practice. then, i dont know what. foock. im bored. maybe i'll.....

day 5/5

mhm.
:)
finally.

elly, stop.

i keep eating. this isnt good. its not like junk food or anything. i just made some pasta. before that was cereal. then icecream (i had to) and then chips and guac. ok half junk, half not junk.....
either way!
YOUCOMEHOMETODAY.
yes.

day 4/5

so i just woke up not too long ago and nothing has really happened yet. there isnt much to write about...but whatever.
weneedtoskypemoreoften.
i cannot wait to see you again.
i cannot stop thinking about holding and kissing you again.
we should skype tonight! well, i dont want to make you guys pay for it....
hm, lobby?
thats free right?!
yea lets do it :)

day 3/5

these are just...really, not exciting.
got woken up today at 8:30 by little kids screaming outside my window.
had some chocolate and left-overs for breakfast. got out of my pajamas and into my snowboarding pants around 10:30 because it snowed today, you know that. it was really fun going outside. wrestled a little with soda, and beat up jozy :)
then came back inside and took a shower. got out of the shower and put my pajamas back on. did some laundry, now im on here. eating more smores, doing this. about to go watch some L word. havent done that in awhile..... you have your audition in exactly 2 hours and 20 mins. i cant wait to here how it went! you are going to be awesome.
good luck, babe :)

wish you were here.

day 2/5

i would tell you everything i did today, but i already did that!
so i guess all i can say is....
my day didnt include you, so it wasnt that great.
i miss you.

day 1/5

woke up, threw some clothes on.
got to school and took the exams.
chem: stumped on a couple, i think i got an A.
haha my teacher sat me right in the front/center of the
room where she had a perfect view of me. is was funny. but its whatever, i
was the 2nd person done on that damn thing!
alg2/trig: easy...eh. whatever.
went to lunch with friends. bought lunch for my sister.
came home around 1 and practiced.
( meanwhile, texting you throughout the day)
tried going on the computer but the bitch wouldnt work.
practiced some more. played allegro apassionato for the 1st time in like....almost a year.
i love that piece, its one of my favs. but my favorite to perform.
then after that i got the computer to work, so here i am!
you got on the train at 4:04pm. at that time i was...packing up my cello.
soooooo yea.

listen to me

i just...i really...well.
yea.
my heart felt like it was...winning the fucking gold at the olmpics for gymnatics.
i literally couldnt breath for a couple seconds. i felt like i didnt have to. there was no need for it. i felt like.......

BARBARA!

stopp chattin' it up with john legend and get your ass over here!

i wish you didnt leave.
i wish i could spend all day with you tomorrow.
i wish you would show up outside my window tonight and id let you in and i could fall asleep with your smell, body, and warmth right next to me.
i wish.

WHAT.

its back.
and i would also like to say:
savannah, you are amazing. ok? ok.
:)

i have e new found hobby

eating nutella threw a straw.

i feel like shit.

and like throwing up.

im not sick. but you know that way you get when something just happened and you're so pissed off and sad at the same time, but you dont know which one you feel more, and you feel like you dont know what the hell to do. AND like you feel so low and pathetic but have to pretend like you have nothing to say, when really all you want to do is pour out everything, but you know that you could very well lose someone who means alot to you. you feel like you dont want to screw this already fucked relationship up. and the only thing you are sure of is that you arent sure of anything. you know that feeling? thats how i feel.

and i wish i could just call you. i need your voice right now.

but i cant. i cant bring myself to pick up the phone because im too scared that ill just start crying all over again. i dont know what to do.

ill just....

and the saddest part is...

out of all of this, out of everything you think about me, every way you perceive me, you really don't know me. and i dont know how to let myself be anything other than what you have come to believe.

hm.

your heart
is a
weapon
the size of
your fist.
keep fighting.
keep loving.

this is almost a little too acurate...

Anything having to do with spiritual pursuits interests you. Some might consider you aloof but you're really not. You're just thinking about how this vast universe was created or even how that puppy you're looking at came to exist. Books interest you to no end because they give you ideas on others' perceptions and you're all about perceptions. You tend to enjoy being alone with your ideas but you also like to have people around in order to discuss your thoughts on a myriad of subjects. That is, as long as they don't intrude on your alone time.

Since you were born, your life has been about the exploration of all things contemplative. You want to know what caused the Big Bang Theory or what happens after we die. You might be accused of being impractical but that just isn't true; you're just thoughtful and can lose yourself in some inner philosophical dialogue. Being alone has never bothered you and never will. You appreciate some good alone time. It gives you the opportunity to ruminate on vast, yet unexplored theory. This attitude doesn't always make for a good love or work life though. Others don't understand that loner attitude.

New adventures in work and love are a big part of your life at the moment and will continue for some time. You look forward to starting new jobs with eagerness and anticipation. Money means more to you right now, not only because it's a must for having what you need, but because it means you've accomplished what you've desired. You might have experienced some small difficulties with health, but such is life, you feel.

You may be unaware that where you live impacts your health, money-making possibilities and your love life - whether you think you chose your residence or not. Country, city and state have great meaning in the manner in which you live your life. Your chosen residence creates strong control issues in your life, as you've probably noticed. And you might have noticed also that others are a little more aggressive in their moods. Because of this you find that you tend to defend your actions and emotions more. Powerful thoughts and actions urge you on towards doing more for yourself and others. Some living around you might even believe that they have the solution to every question - which you know is unreasonable. Their all-knowing attitude weighs on you but you find that you're fully capable of turning their attitude around and creating wealth, health and love, all the things you need.

You're detail oriented and love order. Reality is your basis in life and you can comprehend almost anything. You use the past to make great decisions for your current and future goals. Your right-handed dominance causes you to use the analytical left side of your brain, providing you the ability to make safe choices in life.

You have to work to overcome the idea that you might be the clown of the zodiac because of your jovial nature, but that's far from the truth. You're a philosopher through-and-through because of your talent for taking life, looking it over and using your intelligence to reduce your life experiences in a manner that others understand. Motivational speaking is a great career choice for you because you can help others with your optimistic approach to life and be able to do so without being chained to a desk from nine to five. Ordinarily, you're honesty precedes you but when you get into a tight spot, you might take the easiest option of telling a small fib, not because you feel you've done something wrong but it might be best for others that they not know what truly happened. It's very hard for you to try to keep from showing others your restless nature. You have to really work at keeping your freedom-loving traits well covered especially in your career and love. It's only because others might think that your job or their love for you isn't enough. After overcoming some obstacles in your career, you'll see a change, either in your present work situation or in your chosen field. This change is good but is one that you'll find disconcerting for a while. Gentle challenges in career and love life for the next three years can create some health issues. Try to walk to relieve stress as often as possible.

cross my heart, hope to die, stick a fucking needle in my eye

im happy.
you make me happy.
im happy with you.
im happy with us.
i mean, we can be on the phone not saying a word, and ill have the biggest, most stupid smile on my face. i dont know why! just knowing that its you on the other side of the phone, and its you that i am talking to at 2 in the morning, you that im going to fall asleep on the phone with, it just...makes me smile in complete silence.

among 1000 other things, thats what you do to me.